During my, for a lack of a better description, dark-night of the soul. I felt nothing inside for myself except for care and love for everyone whose life I touched and had in my life.
At that moment, I hated myself. At that stage, I truly felt as if I have ruined the lives of everyone I have ever loved, my children, my husband, friends and family. I wanted to remove myself from the lives of everyone I knew.
I felt like everything I ever cared for and will ever care for will be better off without me in existence.
And to be honest, it wasn’t the first time I’ve felt that way. I couldn’t recall the details, but the feeling was oh so familiar.
Disappointment, sadness, feeling alone and unloved. That morning, I got in the shower with the hope of breathing my last breath.
While in a daze, a long lost friend of mine joined me in my trance. The feeling of not belonging.
I’ve often felt like I didn’t belong here. I didn’t belong with the family I was born into. I didn’t belong to the generation I was born in, and I so didn’t belong in the world that I grew up in.
So I tried my best to end my life and leave everything behind…
As I came out of the trans…
I realized as I was pumping my right hand to increase blood flow. Even though there were quite a few cut marks on my right arm, one seemed quite deep. However, for one or another reason, there was almost no blood coming out of any of the cuts on my arm.
Maybe I didn’t cut deep enough or maybe the adrenaline just caused my blood flow to slow down. I’m not sure.
The one thing that I do remember very clearly, was the feeling of being outside of my body just witnessing what was going on.
At that time my husband got concerned and came to check in on me. I remember saying to my husband: “I can’t even commit suicide, and succeed.” While tears streamed down my face, feeling completely defeated.
The next few days after, was pretty much a blur and felt like I was in a complete daze. But I can still remember the feeling of being separated from my body, hovering closely above just witnessing.
Only after a couple of weeks, I came slowly to the realization that my attempt to commit suicide, was more aimed at killing or destroying my ego than ending my life completely.
It was shortly after this that I felt drawn to the need to accept a spiritual name to continue my spiritual journey and my life.
I truly hope from the bottom of my heart that you don’t have to go through such extremes to find your true self-worth. Please know that I do not recommend suicide as a way of reaching the truth of who you are. I am truly grateful that I was spared by the universe.
But I did help me to realize that I am not just this body but something so much more.
I hope that in sharing my story, we would come to realize that we shouldn’t take this life so seriously, but rather lose ourselves in the joy of life and the experiences it can over. If we approach it non judgmentally and unattached by the outcome or end of our lives.
I now know that I would rather complete my life by choosing my journey, rather than settling for it.
Sat Nam and So Hum
“Only the mind judges the soul accepts “
Atma Bhakti Kaur